A billion wicked thoughts by Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam

When Tom Bilyeu of Impact Theory mentioned A Billion Wicked Thoughts in two interviews- with Richard Dawkins and Eric Weinstein- my interest was piqued. One of the most contentious topics, that riles feminists up is that men and women are fundamentally different. The argument has been that beyond physical strength, men and women are the same. They have the same brain and software, the only difference lying in their socialization. Yeah, this is not the case. As much as I understand the rationale behind the desire for this to be true; it simplifies the pursuit of gender equality. The data, however, does not support this. Even Steven Pinker on the Joe Rogan Experience said that there is an incorrect assumption that 'women's rights depend on men and women being indistinguishable' and that 'fairness is not the same as sameness'. Men and women are different at the evolutionary level therefore giving your daughter a toy gun to play with won't necessarily make her disinterested in dolls and trinkets. 

A Billion Wicked Thoughts bring these stark differences to the fore paying close attention to human desire. What made this book, in my opinion so revolutionary, is that because sex is such a taboo topic; people have hardly told the truth about what they find desirable. When people have been asked about desire, their responses haven't reflected reality. People have provided more vanilla and socially acceptable responses. The authors worked around this by actually looking at what people searched for on the internet and what they spent their money on to illustrate how different men and women actually are. This book revealed 'what's on the other end of everyone's fork' regarding desire and this review covers some of those findings.

Baby David Reimer's penis was burnt off accidentally by a doctor during a medical procedure. The parents along with the doctor decided it would be best to reassign David's gender and raise him as Brenda Reimer. The whole thing backfired because, regardless how much the parents tried to socialize him as a girl, it didn't work. David was given dolls to play with but he was disinterested in them and wanted to play with cars and guns. His parents came clean to him and he decided to revert back to being male and lived the rest of his life as a man. Gender is hard wired in us and it is not just a matter of socialization. We just have different proclivities. 

When it comes to porn, men prefer images and women prefer stories (erotica). Men would also exchange resources for pictures of women's body parts. Think subscriptions and strip clubs. This is not exclusively human though, a male research rhesus monkey (Wolfgang) traded juice for pictures of female perinea. The body parts that men are drawn to in porn are breasts, butt and feet. The preferred breast size is depended on the specific culture the male was raised in. Smaller feet are preferred by all men because smaller feet allude to the presence of estrogen (female sex hormone). Estrogen is linked to healthy child bearing. Pregnant women have huge feet to make them unattractive to other men. In some cultures, foot-binding is practiced to curb foot growth. Cinderella was not a size 10; only dainty feet fit in glass slippers presented by a dashing prince. 

Half a decade ago I read The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf and in there was a chapter dedicated to the cosmetic industry. I remember marveling at the number of zeroes behind the number that is spent by women on cosmetics in the states. The book was written in 1991 and the number was still staggering in 2014, when I read the book. It turns out that most of that spending is needless. Women are wired to seek irresistibility and also knowing that men prefer younger women; women go under the knife and spend a chunk of their disposable income on cosmetics. Here is the conflicting part though. Men are cued to seek the authentic, so a rhinoplasty or any form of augmentation in the name of irresistibility land flat. Unless, the male can be fooled convincingly that all is real. Another interesting thing is that men have been blamed for women wanting to be below-healthy-BMI thin, like the women featured in Cosmopolitan and Vogue. However, the audience of those magazines are women, not men. Not only that; but the data showed that men prefer thicker women to thin, with a low waist-to-hip ratio. This thickness is called ornamentation where parts of the female anatomy are over sized. Youth is key because men are wired to be attracted to females with the highest number of child bearing years left; therefore men prefer adolescent ornamentation over adult ornamentation. Their wiring actually drives them to seek long-term relationships where children can be raised successfully. This would explain why in South Africa right now, ama-2000 (colloquial name given to those born around the second millennium), are wreaking havoc in these streets.

Female ornamentation is found in species where there is a greater variety in the quality of females and it evolved as a result of female competition for non-genetic benefits (food, protection, shelter and in our case the Randelas) from males. The most attractively ornamented females received the most benefits from males. People can remove the word ‘beauty’ from the title, do away with the bikini section, ask probing questions, add the word ‘empowering’ to the context; pageants still and will forever be, by their very nature, female competition of ornamentation for resources. Most women’s porn sites have political messages. Just as pageants are now considered empowering, so are female porn sites. It seems women put the word ‘empowering’ to justify participation in things society disapproves of.

The little blue pill has been a game changer with regards to men’s sexual health. There is no equivalent pink pill for women though because Viagra does not work on women. For women, there is a difference between physical and psychological arousal and for men, there isn’t. All arousal roads lead to happy endings. Women can be physically aroused and yet psychologically disgusted with the stimulus. The psychological part is indispensable in arousal and enjoyment.

Men have very low chances of reproduction which is why they engage in riskier behaviour and travel more. Women, on the other hand, have a very high chance of reproduction and generally seek safe, secure environments to be able to rear children in. It should then not come as a surprise that Sir Edmund Hillary, Neil Armstrong and The Crocodile Hunter were all men. For the most part, it doesn’t seem like women were explicitly denied certain vocations (although this has happened). Most women prefer to stay at home or to work in air conditioned spaces that are similar to home conditions.

Moving on to romantic novels. There is always an alpha male hero or a beta male who becomes an alpha. The hero’s occupation is always very masculine and high status. He is either a doctor or a sheriff or king etc. He is never a hairdresser or a nurse. If the heroine is rich, the hero must be richer. The hero has to be competent in everything he does, he is only allowed to flounder in the love department where the heroine will gladly be of assistance. The authors include the findings of a certain study that revealed how most men would date a woman who can’t drive and yet, most women would not date a man who can’t drive. Also, not surprisingly, women prefer their heroes older. An older hero is well established, he is adept and has accumulated a lot of resources.

‘Umuntu umthola emuntwini’ is South African vernacular for a person (with whom to mate) is found in the arms of someone else. According to this book, the first person to say that was most likely a woman. Women are attracted to men who are already in relationships because it increases his mating value. He has officially met another woman’s stamp of approval. Men, though, often prefer that other men had less interest in a potential partner so that leaves her accessible. ‘The male brain is designed for sexual jealousy. Men are suspicious about whom a woman has slept with and frequently press their partner on how many times she’s previously had sex; most women are savvy enough to round the number down. Likewise, the female brain is designed for emotional jealousy. Women usually push their partners to reveal how many times he’s previously been in love. Men are often foolish enough to provide a figure other than zero.’ Turns out women are generally accepting of a man’s past physical philandering, as long as he wasn’t philandering emotionally. Women perceive catching their partner watching porn as a betrayal and yet they don’t think they are betraying their partner when reading romance novels. Women don’t want their partners investing their resources in other women and also porn is perceived as a male's loss of emotional interest in them.

Turns out, the societal phallocentrism has very little to do with women. Phallus size concerns are male concerns. In romantic novels, women never mention the size of the hero’s phallus, male authors always do. Eye tracking research shows that males look at other men’s crotches more than women do. 45% of men want bigger penises and only 15% of women do. This may explain the dick-pic phenomenon. Put that away, Guy, no one wants to see that. As a side, gay men have longer penis than straight men. This must not go down too well for straight men. In pornotopia, there is also a mania around black men. Their endowment is a fascination to men in general. Also, men get aroused when see their partner having sex with someone else (cuckoldry) and this is due to a sexual cue called sperm competition. Sperm competition is defined in the book as a ‘variety of physiological and behavioural adaptations that enable a male’s sperm to compete head-to-head in the battle to impregnate a female’s egg. It’s believed that the penis is actually shaped to shovel other men’s sperm out. The reason why a man becomes flaccid after ejaculation is so that he doesn’t shovel his own sperm out.  

I watched a YouTube video by Barbarossa on hybristophilia. Hybristophiliacs are people who are sexually aroused and attracted to people who have committed gruesome crimes such as murder and rape. This pathology explains why serial killers such as Ted Bundy receive love letters from a plethora of women. Ted Bundy, I recall Barbarossa saying, had female fans at his court proceedings. A man who killed so many women had a large number of female supporters. There is a weird relationship women have with violence. Sure, hybristophiliacs may be at the tails of the bell curve but it seems most women have fantasies that have a violent element to them. Another risqué topic when it comes to arousal is related to forbidden acts. The psychological term for the engagement in forbidden acts is called transgression. Sexual arousal and danger light up the same part of the brain, the sympathetic nervous system which is why transgression is so appealing to both sexes.

Human beings are one of a few species that engage in sex beyond reproduction. This is called extended sexuality. Basically, women have different sexual behaviours during ovulation and when they are not ovulating. During ovulation, women value short-term interests over long-term interests. During ovulation, women are attracted to the masculine, good looks and dominance in men. They dress more provocatively, flirt more and generally move around more.

In an earlier paragraph, I mentioned how small feet are favoured by men and are an indication for the presence of estrogen which is a cue for good health, energy and future reproductive potential. The same does not apply with testosterone however, as prolonged exposure to high levels of testosterone have been linked with poor long term health. The interest is in the immediate effects of testosterone which signal dominance. Height is also associated with high levels of testosterone which is why women swoon before tall men. Height is a recurring characteristics required by most women during mate selection.

The authors differentiate between two types of dominance, social and sexual dominance. Social dominance is very fluid and flexible and sexual dominance usually isn’t. The male Geladas (Simien mountain monkey) have an hour glass shaped patch of skin on their chest which increases or decreases in vividness according to the males social status at the time. Lordosis and Intromission are the sexual roles that female and male rats play respectively during mating. Lordosis is female submission and intromission is male dominance; akin to the ‘tops’ and ‘bottoms’ in the gay community. Dominance is important in that it increases the levels of testosterone which increase the speed to effectually convince women to engage in sex which exposes the male to more sexual partners. Alpha males, then, have the greatest sex drive of all males.

Many people are under the impression that BDSM is about coercion when it is actually about power and the exchange of it between two people. People who are socially dominant (CEOs, Ivy League deans, stockbrokers) prefer to be sexually submissive. There is a difference between BDSM and coercion. In BDSM, a crop is used and in coercion, a knife. While BDSM emphasizes relationship, coercion is centred on a threat. The aim of BDSM is dominance and control while its sexual humiliation and helplessness in coercion. BDSM and coercion are not the same thing.

There are two psychological cues for men with regards to desire, namely authenticity and novelty. Authenticity explains why men are always concerned with whether a woman had an orgasm during intercourse or not. Men value authentic orgasms because they think it promotes fidelity. The reasoning behind this is if a woman feels pleasure with a certain man, then she is likely to stay with said man and keep coming back for more. There is also the gossip element where if word spreads of his sexual game being off then that decreases his mating value. Men like novelty because of sperm preservation. Novelty spurs men to sow their oats. Novelty is the reason why web cam girls make their most money in the first week or why first year varsity females are all the rage in the first couple of months on campus.

The authors speak of the allure of the Mona Lisa, the painting by Leonardo da Vinci, which is that it gives off two conflicting visual cues. She has lips formed into a straight line but her eyes tell a different story. I think this is his genius though. He didn’t do it the other way around. We are so used to seeing people give us the fake smile accompanied by dead eyes. Nothing intriguing about it; it is rather off-putting. But they mention the Mona Lisa because this sort of alchemy can be achieved, rather has been achieved by manipulating the various cues to create a fascination in the observer. It is akin to Sage Agastya’s Lopamudra who was ‘assembled from the most beautiful parts’ or like Pygmalion’s Galatea. It seems like history is littered with men trying to construct the perfect woman. This is the reason men find Hentai appealing; anime that is created according to the desirability specifications of men.

The same alchemy that has been achieved through the Mona Lisa has been achieved in the desire industry. Transsexual porn is classified as straight men speciality. The cues that are triggered in men is that the transsexual has body parts of a woman but also the presence of a penis. Another example of this is paranormals. Paranormals (werewolves and vampires) are a huge success; Stephanie Meyer who has mastered the incorporation of paranormals in her twilight series has made an insane amount of money because of it. Vampires set off all sorts of fireworks in women. They are usually ‘old money’ rich, older, alphas, fast, strong, tall and usually find the heroine adorable and irresistible. Similarly, werewolves are strong, alphas, loyal, competent and did I mention that they usually find the heroine adorable and irresistible?

There is also a philia towards the facial money shot in porn. It is believed that three cues are triggered here; sperm completion, sperm preservation and authentic pleasure.

Men are also drawn to transformation fiction. A man undergoes some traumatic experience and then reluctantly becomes a woman. Once the man comes to terms with being a woman, he takes to the role with ardour. The woman’s body meet the ardour standards of men; young, promiscuous and mainly concerns herself with shopping and dressing up. The cues that are triggered here are female pleasure, female anatomy and youth. I think that transformation fiction, hentai and transsexual porn do not conflict with the male authenticity cue because there is no deception behind them, males are fully in the know throughout the entire engagement with these materials.

There is a critical period in a man’s youth where the sexual experiences that take place pretty much shape and colour his sexual experiences for the rest of his life. Post adolescent imprinting, men consider everything outside of those sexual experiences deviant, disgusting or dangerous. Even though men can be easily aroused, his imprinting limits his sexuality. Women, on the other hand, are far more plastic sexually but there are more cues to satisfy. The authors hoped that unpacking desire would inspire more creativity when it comes to catering to the different cues of men and women. By pulling back the curtain on the human machinations of desire, we are able to better understand one another and are able to steer this great turbulent sea of human interaction with a little more skill. 

Notes:
1. A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the internet tells us about sexual desire
    https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452297877/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_tl_4XumEb8ASEA26

2. Impact theory
    https://youtu_be/XbKXeVOUQYY (Eric Weinstein)
    https://youtu_be/irSlpGe5yoQ (Richard Dawkins)

3. The Beauty Myth
    https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060512180/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_awdb_.ebmEbR9TFFHK
    https://www.takealot.com/the-beauty-myth/PLID34211983

4. Hybristophilia: The female attraction to violence
    https://youtu_be/Gdyy0BArH74

Serotonin by Michel Houbellebecq

A few years ago I read Atomised by Michel Houbellebecq and there is a particular line from the book that I think about periodically. 'It is a curious idea to reproduce when you don't even like life.' This line summarises a reality for a lot of people who have kids because they think that will miraculously solve all their unhappiness and general dissatisfaction with life. The line also encourages us to pause with regards to reproduction, to look beyond biological impulses and to no longer take reproduction for granted. With the state our planet is in; it is prudent to realize its possible inhospitableness for future generations. Such is Michel's books; they leave ideas that bounce around your mind long after you've read them.

Returning to the topic of unhappiness and general dissatisfaction with life; Michel's latest book, Serotonin, chronicles the life of Florent-Claude Labrouste. A middle-aged man who has failed to deliver according to those expectations. More specifically, he realises how much of his life is his own fault; his own doing. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter also known as the happy chemical. Labrouste takes SSRI's to supress his depression. This description of drugs, however, does not make him happy. It allows him to barely cope with his existence. A case of money not being able to buy happiness, albeit not in the conventional sense. Labrouste has to contend with a number of conflicts which have caused their fair share of dissonance and anguish within him; which I will explore in this review.

The Hero and The Princess:

Labrouste finds himself in a toxic relationship with a very high-maintenance younger woman, Yuku, who has pretty much reduced him to his utility. The only reason she is with him is because he is able to afford her the lifestyle she has grown accustomed to. Parted from him and his pecuniary benefits; she would have to return back to her family in Japan or live in obscurity. This is the hook that makes him stay in that poisonous arrangement for as long as he does. He wants to be a hero and save the princess but this does not serve him and actually causes him great harm. Labrouste suffers because the hero archetype is a boyhood archetype of masculinity and his chronological age conflicts with this archetype. The hero is meant to die and in that be initiated into manhood by adopting the warrior archetype. He is in pain because his feet are too big for the shoes he insists on wearing.

Love and Lack:

With most couples I know, they are the centre of each other's existence but the birth of a child changes that dynamic completely. The child becomes the sun with the parent's in planetary orbit around him. In an episode of The Big Bang Theory, Bernadette and Howard speak about how they would die for their children but only get seriously mutilated for each other. This makes sense from an evolutionary biology perspective; ensuring gene survival. Labrouste's parents are an exception; even with his arrival they remain each other's priority. They love him and take care of him but they remain devoted to each other primarily. When a tumour is discovered in his father's brain; his parents take pills together and die together in bed because a life without the other was plainly inconceivable. That is the standard of love that informs his conceptual understanding of love and colours his romantic experiences. He squanders opportunities to encounter deep love and colours his romantic experiences. He squanders opportunities to encounter deep love and has to live with the debilitating regret. He also has to contend with the fact that, at the centre of the life of the woman he loves (Camille), is a son. A position he didn't get to experience with his own parents. He wasn't the centre of his parents' lives; neither will he ever be Camille's . He is without anchor; cast out to sea. His parents' standard and his regret over Camille and Kate drive him to the extremes of having to ultimate his place in Camille's life. Labrouste's life is an illustration of what Stephan Labossiere (relationship expert) said on Lewis Howes' show, that people usually have two deep love connections throughout their lives and they hardly ever marry or end up with those love connections. This is disconcerting because love is such a primary driver in humans but we always seem to make a mess of it. 

The Sacred Cows:

Thich Nhat Hanh says he walks the earth to relieve his alienation. I think coming to terms with the fact that we each have a separate consciousness and that we each have an egoic-self to deal with can be very alienating. Even the word 'I' creates a distance; it is an introduction to an objectifying tale. When Labrouste encounters the cows and actually sees the cow, the chasm of alienation narrows and he experiences a oneness with them, a peaceful inclusive feeling of being a part of something. When we really see nature, when we remove our carnistic consummatory lenses, we witness creation and we realise that we are a part of that creation. We don't feel alone or far removed any longer. We are comforted to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. We move beyond the ego. What we, humans, have treated as beneath us; actually redeems us. 

Voluntarily Missing:

Labrouste describes a social phenomenon where people basically up and leave their families, jobs, and earthly possessions and begin anew elsewhere. Labrouste is inspired by this and follows suit. This morning while listening to Aaron Alexander (author of The Align Method) on Aubrey Marcus' show; he said that if you place someone in a different environment, they change. He event quotes Einstein and says that the filed informs the particle. Similarly to how genomes work; one gene, different environment, different expression. Even with 'feng shui', the idea is rearranging your furniture and the objects in the space around you has a positive effect on your overall disposition. But I don't think this is enough though, especially if we wish elicit a more sustainable change. Michael Pollan, in how to change your mind, says there are two factors that influence psychedelic experiences. Set and setting. Setting being the environment and set being your priming, your inner condition. Both of these have to be considered for lasting change. Labrouste move did not alleviate his depression. The environment changed but the inner disposition remained the same and like Any Stanley is known to say, 'wherever you go, there you are.'

Careers and Best Friends:

Another notable conflict is that his lucrative job in agriculture has an adverse effect on his best friend, Aymeric's, own livelihood as a local farmer. He has to watch his best friend shoot and kill himself as a desperate act of showing the plight of the local farmers. Labrouste is indirectly complicit in his best friend's demise. When I read that part of the book, I couldn't help thinking of the Vietnamise Buddhist monk Mark Manson mentions in his book who immolates himself in Saignon, June 11, 1963. The insane thing about that historical occurrence was that the Buddha did not utter a single sound as he was burning to death. In both instances, there is such a brevity, a slowing down of time, a clarity, a stillness in those moments that you know something consequential is about to happen. Fire played an integral part in both events, the phoenix rising from the ashes type of imagery. Using a horrific act to hopefully produce a better outcomes for those who are being served in the martyrdom. Labrouste's masculinity takes another hit here because he knows his life was too lukewarm; that it would not require of him such a sacrifice. Labrouste pursued a job while Aymeric lived out an ideal and made the ultimate sacrifice for that ideal and for the wellbeing of other people (the remaining farmers). 

What I was reminded of in this book was that life doesn't wrap up nicely and neatly with a beautiful bow. We prolong things we ought to do and conversations we ought to have with the people who mean the most to us because we think there is always a later. Life is characterised by incompleteness and demythologizes the whole concept of closure. Your mortality is not holding off until you reconcile with life. There are no do overs. There is only the now, which too, is sinking sand beneath our feet. Regrets are a luxury we cannot afford. As the stoics say 'Memento Mori'; remember you will die. 

I can only ever concern myself

I can only ever concern myself 

with the love that I have 

for myself and for others

the love others have for me, however, 

is entirely up to them

In light of the Group Areas Act of 1950

Pilchards in a can
Sardines in a tin
Society’s red herring

Carbon dioxide poisoning
Where you breathe out
I in

These short, shallow, sporadic breaths
Ill -at-ease breaths of consideration
For those who live on top of us

They took our expanse
Confinement that clipped wings
They poked a hole in our growth, deflated

Robbed of height
Not just nutritional, gravitational
Force increases as distance decreases

Our centres of mass have dropped
Living too close to the ground
We belly, crawl, wriggle, grovel


To then be confronted by both vastness and height
Is to rattle the bones in our bent backs twice over
We have yet to learn to stretch and fill our lungs

Some times its not about you

The person 'to have and to hold'

Is he who celebrates your successes with you first

Before thinking how those successes affect him

'you can't make homes out of human beings; somebody should have already told you that' Warsan Shire

We make homes out of other human beings
Human beings 'prone to wander' and leaving
Who then become our Horcruxes

We are meandering about in incompleteness
Not because we lack an Other
Rather, we have left pieces of our souls
In the possession of others

This was the dark lord's undoing
Why would we, creatures of light, be spared this myth?

It is easier for them to kill us, slow agonizing deaths, this way.

Listening to Plantrae's Seeing in the Dark

Oh hail!
Music
That breaks our hearts tenderly
And heals them stronger than before

Unlike most people
Who break our hearts into fine powders
That get blown away by the wind

Some people, however,
Are songs worth listening to
Over and over again

In the words of T.S. Eliot
'You are the music while the music lasts'