Letting go

At first
It’s the tension of ‘I hope he doesn’t come back’ on the one side and ‘I hope he comes back’ on the
other side pulling in polar directions at equal measure
Relentless, taut, tight, tense
An equilibrium allowing you to function
Barely

Then
There comes a time of disorientating panic
When you feel the scales tipping right off the fulcrum of your sanity
When you start anticipating the snap
Where you feel the muscles of your hand preparing
For the impending phone call from your phone
For the ‘I am sorry’ ‘please forgive me’ ‘I need you’

But then
You somehow manage to live the ache away by just continuing
Relief and desperation have swopped places by daybreak
You pulled through by chanting resistance and courage into yourself
‘I am sorry’ ‘please forgive me’
For all the time you stayed longer than you should have
For all the time you didn’t show yourself compassion
For all the time you allowed his unkindness to poison you against you

‘I need you’
A note to self